Ranting and Raving......With love.

Today I realized how much I've truly lost and gained in the last year. I've lost and gained an entire family, life, and the ability to love and to trust people. Its like, loving the wrong person in a way, has both ruined and built back up my life. And I don't even know where to begin about it. Its as if I never even did anything in the first place. Even though, if nothing had happened, I might still have some family left on my mothers side at least. And maybe my father might actually care about whats going on in someone else's life besides his own. I mean, with him at least, its like he doesn't even care. He'd rather have his precious material pieces and a wife who doesn't actually seem to care about him. Who doesn't seem to want him to want to care about his own children. Its ridiculous. My best friend's family cares about her and her siblings. But they also care about me and my two babies. Its like, having my mom back just thinking about how much love they seem to have in their hearts that they can open up to someone who isn't even related to them.

It makes me want to be so much of a better person and to do more with my life, which I haven't felt since even before my mom got sick. I want to be able to do more for the people who have opened their hearts to me, and get rid of the people who would rather forget I even exist. And I hope that even though they cant see this, that they know I love them with all my heart and wish I could do more for them.

Especially Sarah. I know you can read this and I'm sure you will. It means so much to me that you've stuck around even when everybody else ran away. That you've given up so much to help me out, that I know there's stuff you've given up. And I want to be able to give that back to you. Either that, or give you something that will make it up at least. Because there is no way I can ever repay you for all that you have done for me. And my family. Which is now just the four of us. :)

I want you to know also, that even though I don't really talk about things as much, doesn't mean I don't have tinges to say or talk about. Its seeming like I cant get things out unless they are in written form. And I know that sounds weird, but maybe if I can keep it here, I can be a better person in the end without feeling like i'm bumming you out. Which I hate doing cause it makes me sad when you get sad. So you better not cry. :)

I'll be watching you...... :)

:::PS:::

Thanks for listening. I love you.