Step To Normality?

I never actually thought that I would be the one who needed someone to push them back into the realms of normality. Like waiting for the right moment to jump off that cliff into the hopes of tomorrow. Its a scary thought when its all that's in your brain. It feels like i'm losing my mind sometimes, and I don't know if thats a good thing or not. There are aspects of my life that I never expected I would see, and I think that I like them. Then again, there are others that I never thought I would see again, and I'm at a stand off on whether I like that or not. But Everything is going well so far. I haven't quite lost my mind yet. And my babies and my friends are keeping me sane...ish anyways. And I really am glad that I have them since my family sucks. :) Besides my uncles anyway. They still seem to care.

A far cry from humanity is where I think I stand on a mental level. There are times when I think that I cant get things any better right now, and then I realize that they aren't as good as I believe but they're getting better surprisingly fast. And I have really, only Sarah and Katelyn to thank. Cause without them, I would seriously be lost to the world. Either completely hollow and dead on the inside or still in a relationship that would be bad for my emotional health. And God only knows what else. Not something I would rather be doing right now. I like having some control of my life. And I'm glad that I'm gaining that back as well. I still cant believe how little control I had of my life since I was 18 when I look back. Its like I was a prisoner of my own belief that everyone else was right and I was wrong. And a person shouldn't feel that way at all. I had the same dream for years that I was watching myself drown from all the negative energy flowing through me and I would have died had I not gotten out. Now, I have that control and I don't ever want to lose it.

And on another note, I know this all seems really depressing and crazy and shit, but its what is continually running through my head. I needed a safe place to get things out and this is where it has to be since I can't talk about it, or begin to form the words not on a paper form. Call me crazy I guess.

There are songs that I can relate to now that I never thought or wanted to be able to relate to, and its honestly kind of depressing and makes me kind of angry. I mean, who wants to be able to relate to a song that is describing wanting to leave your significant other just to be safe. Or not sure of what there really is in the relationship anymore, and thinking that leaving is the only way out of the thoughts. Or a song that is realizing that its all because of one person that you cant connect with someone else, or trust someone else because of what has been done to you in the past.

Lyrics as follows:

1. I lose my way

And it's not too long before you point it out

I cannot cry

Because I know that's weakness in your eyes

I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh

Every day of my life

My heart can't possibly break

When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you

I'll never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of you

I learned to play on the safe side

So I don't get hurt

Because of you

I find it hard to trust

Not only me, but everyone around me

Because of you

I am afraid

2. Sometimes I wish you cheated on me

Then leavin' here would be so easy

It's time to take a chance and give you up

In the morning I'll wake and make my escape

I'm not scared

'Cause I know there's something out there waiting for me

And I swear that I'll find it someday, just wait and see

I don't care that you call me crazy

I can't stay 'cause I need room to breathe

There's nothing left to say, better sorry than safe