Mama's Song

Its been months since my mom passed away, and I don't actually think that i've let myself really mourn her. I mean, i've talked about how it makes me feel and everything like that. But I don't think i've let myself release whats still inside.

I feel so lost i guess is the word, that I just lose track of everything. I get so paranoid about my kids too, and I realize it but I don't think it will change until I let out whats making it happen.

I just wish I could know if she knew how I felt and if she knew how much she was loved. And how much she would be missed in the end. I hope that she truly didn't feel any pain at all. And I hope that she's able to look down on me and what i'm doing with my life and smile. I mean, I hope i'm making her proud still. Even with a second baby and a pending divorce. And if she would pull the i told you so card and still make me feel better about it.

And if her still being here would make it so that even my family would still care even though I don't really want to see most of them anymore. If things would be the same or different.

Or if it would still be the same....

I guess I'll never know though. Maybe its for the best that I cant actually bring myself to cry. I don't know. At least i'm not completely drowning my sorrows in a bottle. Which is good. But I've had a few drinks to make the feelings kinda disappear. So I guess its kinda the same. Just able to remember everything in the morning instead of not remembering how i got where I did.

I don't know. Maybe it'll get easier to let things out in the future. Maybe not. I guess thats why I can fake it out and write about it as if it were someone elses life instead of my own.

Oh well...