Now What?!

So things suck big time.

I have to go to the doctors office and i don't really wnat to....i'm kinda terrified to find out what is really wrong with me. I don't think i'm crazy but there are some days when I really doubt that. And it's a scary thing when you don't even think you're sane. I don't want to have to be the only one in my family to go on medication to keep me sane...so i don't go all homicidal. It scares me a lot.

I keep having flashes of my friend Sam...and it like his trying to tell me something but I can't figuire it out. I wish i could just stop seeing things and not being able to stop them from happening. I want the anxiety to go away....the blackouts to go away.....the pain to go away. I'm not suicidal, but i have thought about it in the past. I know that it isn't the way to go becasue it will only hurt my family more than they already are. It hurts me to know that the only way i know i can get the images and the anxiety and the blackouts and the pain to go away uis through either medication or death. And I don't know what to do or where to go. It's been years since anything happened. The most recent thing that happened to me was at least a year or two ago. Sam dying shouldn't have brought all of these things back. I had them controled so that i didn't see them anymore. I didn't feel them. I don't think I can handle seeing the painful things anymore. I'm tired of feeling the bruises as if they were there still, feeling the pain of what i felt during those times.....; tired of not being able to live a normal life because of what's going on in my head.

Then again, maybe the medication might make me more normal.....but i don't really like pills. I don't wanna have to be responsible to take a pill to make me numb to all the scary things inside my head. And i love how people always ask me to tell them what i'm thinking or what's on my mind. But you know what? I don't think they really wanna know. My mind is a scary place right now. I don't even have a safe place inside of my mind to escape to. Really, its bad. When you can't even get away from yourself its time to do something. I started talking to a councler....but i'm getting someone besides my group leader to talk to because he wants it to just be him in the group position, not him as the councler too. I can see why too. Him knowing what's inside of my head andf having to see my every week would probably scare him. It scares me to think about it.

The only good things I have to look forward to are hanging out with friends and seeing my guy friend...soon i hope. I think i'm actually starting to like him. It's starnge for me to feel that because it's hard for me to think of me in a steady relationship with anyone. It's funny though.....in a strange way. I don't even know why either. That's how weird it is.

Well, i'm signing off for the night. Gonna try and get more than 2-4 hours of sleep tonight. I pushed myself really hard today so that I could sleep better. I'm hoping it works. I want to be better.....