Days of Bleh

So today started off on a wonderful note...

Once again, me completely screwing everything up. Not being able to think things through, hold on to things, understanding, etc. I guess everyone is right. I just can't do anything on my own. Like, I have to be constantly reminded and talked to. Just wasn't ready. Not like anyone truly cares about this, or anything else apparently. I'm just proving everyone who was ever told me I'll never make it or do anything right. Not that I blame them. It seems like everything and everyone I care about is either going to be taken from me or driven away by my stupid mouth. Serves me right though. I can't keep treating everyone like they're going to screw me over like my family did to me. Not anymore. Part of me wishes for more time and patience from people, but the other (and much larger) part wishes I could pull my foot out of my mouth , or my head out of my ass; what ever one fits this situation and get over everything. I think I can do it in a day or so if I try. But who knows? Maybe I should have stayed somewhat in my 'shell' and not have to fight myself on wether or not I'm going to do or say something that I'm going to hate myself for or regret for the rest of my life.
I just wish that I could turn back time. Maybe then things could be easier. I could take back the things I did to hurt the people I care about, and give everyone else who has ruined my life what they deserve. So that maybe I don't have to constantly take things out on everyone I still do care about.

I thought that maybe writing out my feelings would make me feel better, even a little bit but I was wrong. I doubt that there is anything that could make things better. Or that I'll even get a chance to try to mend things. Again, not that I blame them. I pushed things too hard, said stupid shit, can't take credit for anything, I'm turning into.a horrible mother.
Not like I can go anywhere to figure things out. All I can do now is deal with it. Everything's been said, can't take any of it back.
Not that anyone reading this will care.

Oh well. Gotta start looking for/to God and not His miracles. And just hope and pray that it's not too late.